Congratulations! It’s Not A Girl!!!

People like to re-evaluate their lives every so often, especially when birthdays come around. I’m turning from the dirty 30’s into the “almost 40” years and I guess I can’t complain too much. I’m still a fairly young person, I’ve got friends and I’m enjoying all my various jobs and projects. The best part is that I’M A MAN. Whooh I wanna thank whoever I bribed in Heaven for that shit boy ’cause it’s great, lemme tell you! I’m not saying men are better than women. I’m saying BEING a man is so clearly better. It’s not a power thing. The world is dominated by European men and their man kids in the US, so I’m totally not in that club. It’s things like the fact that I could sleep around and not be called a slut. I could not sleep around and not be called frigid. Sure women could call me a mimbo or impotent, but who cares what they think. They’re women. Pff! I know that my value is based mostly on what I do and what I have. Putting being of color aside, I know that as long as I am doing something interesting and it gives me THINGS, I could look like a sewer rat and probably still be considered successful. Look at P. Diddy. Guy looks like he’s been sucking on lemons since he was six and a lot of women I know find him attractive.

See I don’t have to worry about my image as much as women. They’re value is based mostly on how they look. That’s why I can get older and be considered distinguished and mature, but when women get older they’re considered just old. Since the moment the doctor slaps their asses and say “it’s a girl” they’re told to wear these clothes, buy these shoes, use this makeup, or have this surgery to alter their outward appearance from what it really is. So from a very early age they’re taught to be false and bred to be insecure, and if you can’t be honest and happy WITH yourself, you can’t be that way with anybody else. It’s great being a guy and having a totally different set of insecurities. I mean I’m a black man, a minority, and I do have my insecurities, which particularly in the US include stress from institutional racism, poverty, unemployment, prison, and death, but at least I’m not a black woman. Except for prison, they face the same stuff AND domestic abuse, sexual violence, higher risk of HIV, and teen pregnancy. It’s a good thing they can multi-task.

Let me be clear on this. I’m not happy women go through these things. I’m happy that because I’m a man, I don’t have to. I could go anywhere in this world and it would be AWESOME. I could go to Africa and not have to worry about female genital mutilation. I could go to India and not get married off to some dork who’ll make me abort my baby because it’s a girl. I could go to the Middle East and not have to wear a headscarf or a black ninja dress in 90 degree weather. And on top of being a man, I’m a WESTERN man. See women in these places aren’t like the spoiled self-absorbed western women who for example whine about their image or feel so empowered to have a career and a family (thanks to the Latino maid/nanny). Non-western women face real problems. So a guy like me would clean up in a place like say, Lebanon.
“What? You’ll let me drive a car and work?” Shorty’ll say. “I love you!”
“Baby, I don’t let you do anything.”I’ll say. “You’re free to do what ever you want in the West. You can be an individual. Now put this uniform on and go to work in McDonald’s with the other individuals.”
‘Cause what better way to be an individual than to make money to buy products. It’s western freedom baby, yeah!

If you don’t enjoy being a man then you’re probably one of those guys who claims to be jealous of women because they can go through the joy of producing children. That’s the kind of pretentious bullshit guitar-toting slackers say to women to get laid. I dig my dudeness and other dudes, especially gay men. Why be threatened by them? They’re the single reason I know God is a man, besides the messy state of the world. Only a man would create a person that is funny, sensitive, attentive to what a women says, and attractIVE and then NOT make that person attractED to women. I love that because it makes us straight men look better. If gay men were straight, we’d be in trouble, but they’re not. So it just means more pussy for us. Any straight man who has picked up a girl in a gay club knows exactly what I’m talking about. Sometimes I wish all the men were gay, well except me. Then there would be lower rates of crime and violence and I would get some every night.

Does it seem like I’m all about the ladies? Well that’s the other beautiful thing about being a man. We’re not so complicated. Not having additional insecurities or extra tasks helps us to focus. Women from 21 probably until their early 30s, are always “I don’t know”, with the mid 20’s being the worst. They just don’t know what they want. However we men know what we want: women. That’s the one thing we’re certain of. Insecure men are single more often then insecure women and learn to get over it quicker, because we realize that if we want the women, we have to stop being insecure. We also take up poetry writing, guitar playing, inventing, even nation building, because for every man that was doing those things, I’m sure there was a woman he was doing it for. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness sound great on paper but Thomas Jefferson was actually talkin’ about chasin’ some French chick named Madame Bonheur in Paris.

Then after all the inventing, conquering, and a sappy songwriting comes sweet death. That’s right. Men die earlier than women. That’s our “get out of jail free” card. We get to leave women with the whole big mess. The dirty dishes, the laundry, screaming kids, war, corruption, etc. is all on them. It’s perfect. I could bring down the global financial system like so many men have and then check out. Plus I’m an African-American male and our life expectancy is on average 54 years. I’ve got at most 18 years left to wreck havoc then I’ll be sippin’ boat drinks with the Most High. It’ll be like Animal House! Christianity doesn’t say much about chicks in Heaven (or many good things about them on Earth for that matter), Islam gives me virgins, and with Hinduism I can just reapply for a penis for my next life. “Oh yes Mujibar, I’d like that one in a burnt sienna. American size please. None of that European metric shit.” Then I’ll return to another life as a straight black male because you wouldn’t want to be white in the future. Trust me. And I’ll be saying “Dick…and proud!” That’s the gospel according to Chester.

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